In the interim between now and when we get Liz’s annotated list of favorite shows and until we decide on the next list and post them, I am going to be posting crack lists. I invite my fellow bloggers to do the same.
Crack! list #1: reasons why Buffy is better than Twilight. [Note: this started out as a silly list but then it got hard to come up with stupid reasons because the more I thought about it, the angrier I got about Twilight and how people keep comparing Buffy to Twilight.]
I am basing this list solely from impressions I gleaned from the movie since I have not ever read the books (although I have had them summarized for me.)
Uh, spoiler alert??
10. What kind of a badass vampire glitters and sparkles in direct sunlight?
9. What kind of badass vampire family goes “vegetarian” aka stops feasting on humans because they don’t believe in that lifestyle??
8. They don’t even have souls! They’re so tame/lame! And safe! And all: we want to keep to ourselves. WTF. No.
7. And there are only like 3 evil vampires in town? Really? Sunnydale is a HELLMOUTH.
6. And when they find out you’re hiding a human, what do you do? You run?? You run. Super duper fail. Go see the wizard; ask for some backbone. Or a soul so we can then remove it and you can stop being such a wuss. Speaking of which..
5. …Angel would totally kick Edward Cullens ass because there is no Edward Cullenus. And in fact! This is me paraphrasing Liz paraphrasing Joss Whedon himself.
4. At the heart of it, Twilight is really just a love story and not really about action. It’s not about lore. Or vampires. Or people. Or life. It’s just a teenaged girl who falls instantly in love with a vampire. The way I understand it, their attraction towards each other is like this strong, visceral, chemical, animal thing. They are literally drawn to each other. It can’t be explained. Or, well, it’s supposed to be one of those things that can’t be explained but you know why - because the spark and the magnetism is just THERE. But what I doubly meant was that it cannot be explained. God bless Cedric Diggory - I will always heart pang for you - but his attempt at illustrating his animal lust/love for Bella the first time he meets her? Not hot.
- Also, googling Twilight is a pretty scary experience. Also: so I looked it up and apparently what he’s reacting to is the scent of her blood - which explains the whole fan thing. I thought it was weird that she was standing directly in front of a fan and then it got all hair billowing like a model in a bowling shirt… weird. But I guess this explains it. But for someone who’s just watching the movie and not familiar with the text? That was strange. And NOT HOT. The first time Angel meets Buffy? [ok, I tried to find a video but can’t because this episode is 10 years old! Baahhh. But here’s a transcript. Still hot. And what’s hotter? They get attacked by vamps and they fight and Angel gets hurt and she takes him back to her house to clean him up but she has to INVITE HIM IN and then he’s shirtless. BAM, said the lady.
- And he gives her a gift! Which is a silver cross that she ends up wearing forever - or, until the middle of the second season when he goes evil (because they totally do it!) and kills all her friends.. - and when they make out for the first time, he’s shirtless (or his chest is otherwise exposed) and the cross burns him. HOT. SIZZLING. HOT.
Uh… What was my point here?
3. Angel and Buffy could never be together because their love is literally cursed. Angel was SUCH a badass motherfucker that the only thing stopping him from torturing the shit out of Buffy is a gypsy curse. I am not exactly sure why Bella and Edward can’t be together. Except for the fact that she is not a vampire. And he is. And is infinitely stronger and endowed with crazy powers. Read: his penis will probably kill her. Or like he’ll lose his shit one day and bite her. Which is lame.
2. Joss Whedon is a cool, gracious genius guy who gets it. Stephanie Meyers is a crazy lady who writes weak female characters. *I don’t know either of these two people nor can I validate my claims, but this is a crack list so whatever.
1. The characters are totally different, I know, but as female leads, Buffy totally blows Bella out of the friggin water. Buffy is 100 times stronger than Bella is. I know, I know. She’s the slayer - she’s the strongest human being ever. But still! Character-wise, Buffy is more independent and active than Bella ever will be. I don’t understand how a woman can write a series of books where the female protagonist remains this old-fashioned stereotypical girl who seems only to exist so that she can forbiddenly love Edward Cullen. From what I can remember of the book summaries that I received, Bella spends the majority of her time throwing herself at Edward, first getting him to admit he loves her, then trying to get him to have sex with her - and he can’t because he’s like too powerful or something and he’s afraid he’ll kill her with his penis or something. I mean, come on! In this day and age, I don’t understand how you can have such a weak female character. It really grates my cheese, to borrow a phrase from Xander Harris. And way to inspire the tween girls who are eating up every single word that you’re writing, Stephanie Meyers. Bahh.
But okay, fine. I can’t compare 1 movie + random summaries to 7 years of television. So let’s look at the pilot episode versus the movie, ok? Even as an annoying, lollipop sucking regular teenager, Buffy Summers’ voice still carried. And Bella? I mean, did she talk at all during the movie? When I think about Twilight, all I remember is Edward Cullen gagging when she walks into the room and the two of them breathing heavily and scaling trees and running away from other vampires.
Okay. I really really have nothing against Twilight or the lady who wrote it. I enjoyed the movie! It was absolutely entertaining. And I love RPats. But stop comparing Buffy to Twilight because you will lose. Our army is bigger than yours. AND we’re older. So we’re going to kick your ass no matter what.
Seriously. Don’t send me hate mail.
- Jeans
